the sky right now.

when things are tough, you know you really want them

The guy mentioned in my last post is…well, amazing.

We spent the whole past weekend together. And on Friday night, he admitted to me (in the cutest, most shy, nervous way possible) that he really really liked me. And I told him I felt the same. And then we talked about how hard it would be for us to be in a relationship. How we’ve only known each other a month. How we really need to think before we jump into this.

So we’re not dating. We’re taking things slow and seeing what happens after he’s finished with boot camp. How our friendship lasts during that time.

But oh goodness I like him! Tonight after my class we skyped (we skype like so many nights a week and talk all the time and I’m spending all of this weekend with him again too) and I thought it was only gonna be like a 15 minute conversation cause he needed to go visit a friend, but we ended up talking for almost an hour - and it was like a deep conversation, of the best kind. And afterward he texted me and apologizing for cutting it short (he really had to go meet his friend) but that he loved talking to me a lot. And I said I liked it too and that I really liked him, just so he knew. This was his reply:

I really like you a lot too, and I’m really hating thinking about having to leave so soon.

Oh man I’m acting like a 13 year old girl (no offense) so much right now…but I just like him so much. And we’re so compatible (wow am I book?)…but yeah I hope things work out for us. We both want to make it work.

So hopefully it will.

/end rambling rant

I wish I were a better writer and had made this post all poetic and whatnot. But I really should be doing homework sooo….no time for that!

it’s really scary, caring about people

There’s this guy that I met about a month ago…we’ll call him C. We hit it off right away; we are very similar and just get along super, super well. By now we’re really close friends, and I feel like I’ve known him for years, not weeks. 

Over the past week, I’ve realized how deeply I care about him. How much I genuinely care about him as a person and as a friend, and how I know he feels the same way about me. And as I get to know him more and more, the more I like him. The more he impresses me with his character and the person that he is.

And also over the past week, I’ve begun to think about the possibility of us being more than friends. And I love the thought of it. He is everything I look for in a guy - and one thing he has that no guy I’ve ever met has is that he wants to do the same thing with his life as I do! 

The only problem is that he’s leaving for bootcamp for the Navy in just a month. And has a six year commitment ahead of him.

I, on the other hand, have to finish school…and then do who knows what. 

He’s almost guaranteed to be based somewhere NOT close to where I live and go to school. 

I don’t know what to do. This is all so new, so fast. We’re so young. I don’t want to rush things. I don’t want to try and make something work that isn’t supposed to and won’t. I don’t want to hurt him; I don’t want to hurt me. But I also don’t want to miss out on a chance with C if…well, if… I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to jinx it. But all I’m saying is, this guy is awesome. I would be proud to have him at my side.

But maybe I’m thinking too far into this already, getting too worked up about a guy I’ve only known for a month.

Oh, my life…

Whaaat is going on?

Why is it that sometimes I just want to cry? 

Like, right now…I really wish someone would just give me an amazing hug and then hold me while I cry.

I have no reason to cry. My life is wonderful right now; there is literally nothing to cry about. 

Maybe I just have a bunch of pent up emotion that needs releasing? Possibly. It’s been an emotional couple of weeks, kind of.

Ugh I just care about people so much that I guess it makes me want to cry sometimes.

Wow I’m weird.

life is so good right now.

just had the best spring break of my life. so many new, amazing, wonderful friends.

i realize more and more every day that i LIVE for relationships…so it’s really no surprise that me & God get along so well, cause that’s what He’s all about too. 

thank You, Lord, for all that You have done in my life—not only in the past week, but since the day i was born. i am so beyond blessed and my mind is blown every day by the wonderful life i have been given. i am so lucky. i wish i could spread my wonderful life around to everyone else.

i’m not trying to sound like “oh look at me, my life is so great! sucks to be all of you!” i don’t want to sound like that at all. i just want to convey my genuine joy/amazement/thankfulness at ALL i’ve been given. i don’t deserve any of this. i’m just like anybody else. but i truly love my life. even when i complain about it, or the things that happen to me….when i really think about it, i couldn’t be luckier. 

and things just keep getting better and better!

i cannot wait for summer

and i’m not gonna lie, a lot of it has to do that HE will be in australia…a continent away, and hopefully that will help me to finally move on (if i haven’t already by that time). separation by an ocean does wonders, i’ve learned.

because i feel like writing/rambling, i’ll tell you my previous experience:

so for basically all of sophomore-senior years of high school (which already seems like sooo long ago, but that’s beside the point), i was in love with my best guy friend (we’ll call him A). of course it wasn’t love at first nor were we good friends at first…it just started out as a simple little crush on a guy i kind of knew. but because i liked him, and we had tons of mutual friends, i made a huge effort to get to know him. and i did. and i seriously came to love him so much. i told him at one point that i liked him, but sadly at the time he said he just thought of me as a friend. thankfully, though, it didn’t ruin our friendship - it just made us closer because i knew that i could be honest with him without him judging me/making things awkward. during those three years, he dated one of my best friends - that was extremely hard for me. but i suffered through it and survived, and THOUGHT i had moved on. but then the summer after my senior year, while camping at a music festival with A and a bunch of our friends, he all of a sudden made it known to me that he DID have feelings for me…i won’t go into details, but i was ECSTATIC because i thought we’d be in a relationship by the end of the summer. we started hanging out every single day, texting all the time, talking on the phone almost every night…i was so excited because FINALLY, after all that time, i was getting what i had wanted for so long. but then, after only a few weeks, he changed his mind. decided he wanted to be just friends. i was crushed, and VERY angry with the way he had lead me on. i think he knew that i had loved him all that time, and he just crushed me by rejecting me after giving me that hope. 

long story short, i luckily left at the end of that summer to do a program with YWAM overseas - in Germany and Ethiopia, specifically. and maybe you’ll say i was running away from the problem, but i had never been so glad to be in a different country than someone. in the 7 months that i was gone, A and i barely spoke - but it was good, because i was finally able to really let myself, heal, forgive him, and move on.

when i returned home in april of 2011, i didn’t know what what happen between me and A. i didn’t know if he had changed, or what i really wanted. but it didn’t take me long to find out - almost immediately after i came home, we went to lunch and he told me how he was planning on asking out a different one of my really good friends. but as he was telling me about their relationship, i could see he had really changed from the selfish guy i had had issues with the previous summer.

A did end up asking out my friend. and they’ve been dating ever since, and are even talking about getting married in a year and a half. 

the point is, i’m so unbelievably glad i left the country when i did, for as long as i did. because when i came home and found out A wanted to seriously date my friend, and things would NEVER happen between us, i was finally OK with it.

i would also like to mention that a few weeks after i came home, he called me to apologize for what a dick he had been in the past. i have never received such a sincere apology in my life. he knew how deeply he had hurt me, and he felt sooo bad. so that’s when i knew he had REALLY changed. 

now we’re great friends, closer than ever, and even though i still love him and always will, i’m perfectly content loving him just as a brother and friend, and i wish A and his gf the best.

MY POINT HERE IS (after that super long ramble…haha wow) that i’m not expecting the same thing to happen with my ex and i. he’ll be in australia for only the summer, and our situation is tooootally different. but just having the possibility of seeing him taken away from me, will hopefully help me to finally realize that i’m better off without him, we do NOT work in a relationship…and maybe, in a best-case scenario, when he comes back we can just be good friends. not the awkward nice to each other when we see each other acquaintances that we are now. cause right now, every time we’re together, our history just seems to linger in the air, unspoken. all i can think is how did it come to this? what happened? it’s so strange to be with him and feel so shallow and superficial when he used to be one of only 2 people here i can be completely myself with….